Glasses

I don't think I can have my cake and eat it too.

Photo by Bud Silva on Unsplash

I wish I was closer to you
But whenever I try, I end up disappointed
When I yearn for understanding
I’m met with lectures, judgment, and guilt

I’m scared of your emotions
And too often carry them as my own
I remember feeling you were nicer with your glasses on
Somehow you were calmer and softer

You tell me you love me
But I only felt accepted when I did what you wanted
Not because I agreed
But because I feared the shame if I didn’t

I wish I was closer to you
But I seek out physical distance for my own sake
I choose a plane ride over setting boundaries
That I’m not sure you’d respect anyway

I wish I was closer to you
But your care is smothered with worry and distrust 
Creating a world where I have to ask permission
And justify my values against yours

I wish I was closer to you
While I know you don’t mean it, I just wish you could understand
I crave a connection with you where I feel heard and trusted
One where your glasses calm the room

But maybe it’s better if we agree to disagree
Even if I’m the only one agreeing
I wish I was closer to you
But I think it’s time to accept that it’s safer if I’m not